Thoughts of the week of June 19, 2017

I’ve had so much to say lately, yet I’ve had so little time to say it. I realized earlier today that I just had a pile of Post-It notes of ideas on my desk. None of them had made it off my desk, let alone into my purse and home. I’m finally in front of the computer and ready to go, and I’m realizing that all of my notes almost correlate with each other. I’m going to put them in what I think is the correct order, and hopefully it comes out as one major thought.

Everything I’ve been through has molded me into the person that I am now. I always call the part of my life that happened a few years ago “my past life.” It’s almost like I remember reading about it but not actually living it. I sometimes think about things that happened then, and I think “There’s absolutely no way that really happened to me.” I know that everyone is capable of change; change is a fact of life. What I didn’t realize is that change could be so completely transforming. I don’t look the same, feel the same, act the same, believe in the same things… I’m truly a different person in only the best ways.

One morning, I woke up and made the final decision to leave that life behind. I packed all my belongings into my best friend’s Saturn Vue. It took us two hours. I turned the corner when I left that parking lot, and I saw myself for the first time in months. I saw my future. I saw the person I could become and the life I could have. I saw it, and I made it happen. It took quite an adjustment period, but I’m there now.  As it turns out, that adjustment period was all I needed.

During that time, I worked two essentially full time jobs – I worked 40 hours a week at my 9:00-5:00 and 30 at my part time job. I needed it. I needed the lack of free time. I didn’t want to be alone with my own thoughts, and I didn’t want to have any time to possibly regret my decision. I worked until I couldn’t take it anymore, then I went on a vacation to a brand new city. A week later, I went home and worked some more. I paid off my credit cards, and I bought a ticket to every concert that passed through Des Moines. I finally had the money to live, but I no longer had the time to live.

It’s funny, because I always said that I was just “letting it go” once I started to get gray hair. Well, I never thought I’d start seeing gray at twenty-four. I guess that’s what happens when you work more than you sleep.

I can say with complete certainty that, during the adjustment period, I found exactly what I’d always been looking for.

Love has a funny way of turning things around. 

Unfinished.

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